Reward for Memory Retrieval.

The mood of the evening last night felt similar to what I imagine the end of prohibition felt like. At least for me it did. I can't seem to remember anyone else's mood. I do remember making out with some random woman and we may have made plans to move back to Montreal together. I remember that I promised her something about four days from now. Unfortunately that is all that there is. No name, no face, nothing. I think I need to start filming my life as my memory is not cutting it. Drunk or sober, not much sticks. Unless it is sung. So maybe I need to turn my life into a musical.

That would be lovely.


truly,
the recess bandit.

Separating the Awkmoes from the Spazoids.

Q: Definition of spastic?
A: Giving myself a fat lip.
Q: How?
A: Punching myself in the mouth while eating a zucchini.


truly,
the recess bandit.

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?!?

The Tony Danza Show.

My liver has just filed for divorce.

So Creepy.

Young bones groan
And the rocks below say :
"Throw your skinny body down, son !"

But I'm going to meet the one I love
So please don't stand in my way
Because I'm going to meet the one I love
No, Mamma, let me go !

Link it up dollface.

*the above robot is supposed to be dancing.

Bottoms up Babyface.

I have come this much closer to accomplishing one of my childhood dreams. Which one? The one where I grow up to be a drunk poet/writer/lover. I have just spent the last four evenings drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes, and writing a script. Not just a script though, I developed a couple of new characters, I gave them back stories, I lived and breathed them for a few long nights. As a child, I wanted to grow up to be Bukowski, and I believe I may have just gotten one knee scrape closer. Now if only my legs were as lovely.

Speaking of lovely, check this kid out:

Have Some Hats.

truly,
the recess bandit.

I used to think I would save the world some day.

truly,
a wonderous recess bandit.

Meanest thing said to housemate so far: "Don't be such a mental reject." To which we both broke out in hysterical laughter.

Clever ways in which I have discovered how to procrastinate writing a script due for school:
1) In the excuse of "but I need it to be creative", go out and buy copious amounts of alcohol.
2) Instead of drinking at home, in front of computer as planned, go out with friends to drink.
3) Upon arrival home, continue the drinking, in front of computer, perusing images of pin-up girls.
4) Take first opportunity to drink in kitchen with newest member of household, to get to know her, of course.
5) Smoke too much, drink too much, talk too much.
6) Set up workhorse computer with a task that renders it helpless in the manner of allowing me the simple task of accessing Celtx.
7) Have such a severe brain hangover that you end up cock-eyed all day today.
8) Make plans to go out again this evening.
9) Phone everyone of your friends to ask what colour of lipstick they think you should get.
10) Compose this inane post, in celebration of procrastination.
11) Post pictures of some of the dogs at your Mother's house. Voila:

Shiney and New!

this blog did not want to be. I could not get the two sets to merge for days! but now, overhaul complete. links to be added back in soon. anyone want a link while i am at it? anyone not want a link while i am at it? e-mail me to let me know.

And in other news, I have decided that maybe a family is for me....if only to be able to send out announcements similar to this:


Thank you Arrested Development. Thank you for being so clever. And for making me laugh so hard I fell off of the couch. I will miss you dearly.
truly,
the recess bandit.

Dreams do come true!

I absolutly love this thing.

I believe the transition to be complete.

In the tradition of celebrating the "holidays" in my own way, I came up with the best plans for last evening.

While frequenting the local grocers, I happened upon some lipstick and mascara. It was shiny, bright, and free. Three things that this kid cannot pass by. Have I mentioned my magpie tendencies yet?

So, with vegetables in hand, and make-up in pocket, I made my way home. The whole way chattering excitedly to my friend/driver about my newly acquired treats.

Upon reaching my abode, I scurried into the powder room to "put on my face". So beautiful and sparkley. I then put on my best crinoline, fixed my hair, got down on my knees, and scrubbed the bathtub. I needed to wash away my most recent hair dying experiment.

After my house-wife duties were complete, I curled up with the new squeeze to watch Birth. Such a fantastic, heart-wrentching, I may never/always believe in love/destiny again. I was speechless.

The event was a raging success, and, the oil-man was highly impressed with my face effort.

truly,
the recess bandit.

HAPPY VD!

"Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye."

I made this a few days ago. It took all of my resolve not to post it early. The funny thing about this card? Well, you can figure out your own personal reasons. Happy sweet sixteen everyone! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with the oil man.

truly,
the recess bandit.

Such a jerkwad.

My father called me last nite. His wife is in surgery right now, getting most of her insides removed as preventive measure against cancer. She has a 95% chance of having a relapse of the previous cancer. My father called me hoping to connect I guess. My words of solice? At least it isn't raining. Somebody should staple my tounge to my lip. Please.

If a witches tit is really this cold, couldn't/wouldn't said witch cast a spell to make the tit in question warm again?

fixing things.

BFF # 3.

Can you read the amount of grams in that thing? The last time I had a box that large was during the re-release of the Star Wars movies. When I told my boy lover that I would dump him if: Luke Skywalker/Hans Solo/ Princess Leia asked me out. That pretty much ended our relationship.

Tonite, I re-started another relationship. Joyful hyperness. What is needed? First, run all the way downtown. Second, have a cup of Turkish coffee at 9:15 at nite. Third, buy the biggest box of Junior Mints you can find, with the intention of eating the whole thing (and I did). Gently mix these ingredients together while in a theatre of teens watching the most absurdly funny movie you have seen in a while. Simmer out all of the thoughts that everyone around you sucks. Then go home, and write the most inane blog to date, shower, exfoliate with new macadamia nut gel, and go to bed. Good nite world.

truly,
the recess bandit.

Sucking it up.

My day seemed pretty dreary today. Basically, the fantastic shot list that I had come up with has been severed. Now a fucking monkey could work the camera for the shoot. On the upside, I guess I can get drunk tomorrow night. I felt pointless.

But then, I googled the recess bandit strikes, and this is what I found. click. I am number 87 on the most valuable list! Wheeeeee. That is all. I am off to the liquor store to drown out the voice telling me to drop the fuck out of school. Telling me I could make it alright without school. Telling me to pick up the tent and jump on the caravan.

Truly,
the recess bandit.

By the Way:

Dear Good Night, and Good Luck, you are so beautiful I want to weep.

When the world hands you lemonade, take the day off school. Fantastic words to live by.

Yesterday I spend twelve hours on an R&B music video shoot. I tried to get involved, but after a predominant Halifax R&B star keep making eyes at me, and another keep touching my tattoo, I decided to make myself scarce. I found a corner to sit in, put my head down and proceeded to knit the day away. I did have to go on set every now and again to watch grown men dance all sexy like, while wearing mink jackets and no shirts. I almost put my knitting needles into my pupils.

So, today, after being sassed at in a production meeting, I told the crew I felt gross and skipped out on the day. Walking away from the set, my eyes were welling with tears. I am just that tired.

Fear not though, I decided to take matters into my own hands. What started as a craptastic day turned into one of the best I have had for a long while. That fact that it was a sunny day helped tremendously, and that people in this city are fantastic. A special shout-out to BFF for wasting her lunch listening to me whine. In a matter of a couple of hours, I managed to clear my head with a walk, stop in on old friends that are taking measures to make themselves happy, enjoy a delicious sandwich&salad lunch, buy myself a new comic book, and master the natural blush-coy-droopyeyelids routine. Then I whisk myself home to curl up with a good book. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I come across the following:


So, dear world, I have the next week or so booked solid, and I am so sorry, but it does not include you. I will be back soon.
suck it up babydoll.

truly,
the recess bandit.

Oodles & Oodles of Noodles!

I would like to believe that I am not a masochist, I really would. But after my day today, I am not sure if this would be the truth.

I am referring to aquacise, of course. Deep water aquacise. The workout itself is pretty intense, but then you have to add in the Noodle-Factor. Ooooh that noodle-factor. Essentially, I am in a bathing suit, in a chlorianted pool, jogging. Constatntly jogging. What is holding me up? Why, it's that fantastic pool noodle. I was made to straddle a noodle for an hour, while jogging on the spot and flailing my arms. Do you know how much chaffing that causes? I now have to wear sweatpants for a week! Not very attractive at all. On an upside, my eyes are a lovely shade of red. Which is good I guess. They highlight my cheeks now.

truly,
the recess bandit.

Conversation in Car.
Me: (excitedly)I came up with the perfect suicide note!
Friend: Are you o.k.?
Me: Yah, why?
Friend: You are writing suicide notes?
Me: Just ask me what it says! It's brilliant!
Friend: No, are you o.k.? Did you really write a note!?
Me: What are you....OH......good god, no I'm not going to kill myself. I just like the note.
Friend: Do you need anything?
Me: O.k., so let's start over. I came up with the perfect note for when I run away with the circus.
Friend: Should I be worried?
Me: NO! Now just ask me what the note would say!
Friend: (hesitantly) Ah, what would the note say if you ran away with the circus?
Me: So long Suckers! (insert hysterical laughter here)
Friend: You are kinda weird you know.
Me: So, now that have heard the note, wouldn't it make a great suicide note?


Looking back on this conversation, I can see where people may get confused. The point of it is, you kinda want to go out making an impression. The impression that I want to leave? I want people to ask themselves "what the fuck does s/he mean by that?"

So, I have no interest in suicide, and the circus is not expected to come through here for a while. The next best thing is to grab my season pass and head back to Wonderland. If you need me, i'll be riding the rails.



so long suckers!

All I want for Valentine's Day!

Dear World,


All I want for Valentine's Day is a date with this man! Sexy and sensitive. Good lord how does he do it?

What Ever Happened to the recess bandit?

Dear Hollywood,
You really missed the boat on not nominating me for best dramatic performance of the year. I really missed the boat on not realizing what a drama queen I could be. In my defense, yesterday was a hard day. Let's just say it has been a hard week.

But, to get back to the dramatics. Good lord the dramatics. Out for breakfast this morning I had many of those nervous-laugh-cringe-didireallysaythat moments. Breakfast did not want to stay down. Going out for a drive to the ocean seemed like a good idea as well. That is until my mega-dramatic brain took over. Our walk was cut short due to me being convinced that the tide would suddenly come gushing in, washing me and my companion out to sea, to a watery grave. Thus leaving my kats alone and hungry, without my corpse to feast on.


To all of you who listened and didn't laugh, thank you. It is refreshing to know that this dramatic old fool has close friends.

What do I intend to do about this? Well, the remedy is in the movies. I am staying away from swooning women for a while. To watch them is to become them. I am calling on an old friend to bring me back down to the gritty reality I so desire. I have three Errol Morris documentaries in my possession. I promise not to make any drunken phonecalls until I have finished all three.

truly embarrassed,
the recess bandit.

And now to lighten the mood:

Thank you White Ninja.

i used to be so cool.

ROBOTS!!!!

Business Casual.

Jazz-Hands Roller Man.

Can it get any better?

Dear World,
Just when I was starting to think you didn't love me anymore, you surprise me with a day like today. I mean, season two of Carnivale and a blizzard on the same day? How perfect is that. So, on this snow day, I am snuggling up with some depression-era, circus-freak drama, my kats, and my knitting. I officially proclaim this day to be my favorite day this week!

Clea Duvall.


Nick Stahl.


Michael J. Anderson.



How could I go wrong?
truly,
the recess bandit.