the recess bandit is a misshapen monster.

I guess I knew going into the situation that it would be disastrous, it always seems to be. But when I friend called and asked me to go to the mall, I could not seem to say no. In my defense, I was running on little to no sleep, and trying very hard to avoid feeling like an adult. One thing television taught me is that a shopping spree with your BFF (bestfriendforever!) is a perfect remedy for whatever ails you. So, to the mall I went.

I conveniently forgot that I hate malls, I hate shopping for the dreaded pants, I hate malls. Not just for the rampant consumerism, but for the lights and the air and the windowlessness and the stares. Oh the stares. And nothing will destroy my confidence more than trying to find reasonable clothes that fit at a mall. Any mall, they are all pretty much the same.

O.k., so what is my problem you ask? Nothing in the mall fits me. I mean, pretty much nothing. Nobody seems to make slacks at a size above a very slim 11. Are we just not supposed to wear bottoms? Resolve to wear the pleated, polyester dealys from Sears? Good gracious, I am not ready for that yet. So, the lack of slacks is never really any surprise, but I really needed to add an extra bit of aggravation. I decided to buy myself a new bra.

Dear sweet jesus, was that ever painful. First off, they are ridiculously overpriced. Forty dollars is the cheapest I have ever been able to go. For something that is pretty much under my shirt at all times. And usually as ugly as my kat's puke. So all this, and then they add insult to injury. There seems to be a slight shift in the sizing since my last purchase. Nothing fit. And by that, I mean I can no longer fit into a 34DD. Double fucking D. I am not that big. I cannot buy a bra anywhere but Sears now, you know the ones your Grandma used to wear? So attractive.

The best part about this excursion was an interaction I had with the sales associate at the underwear/bra store. I was picking out some new underwear when she offered me some help. I said "Sure, I want five pairs please."
She responded with "What size, small?"
I just laughed.
"No, size large please".
"Really, are you sure? I know it is hard to tell with all of the winter clothing, but your face makes me think that you are rather skinny."

My face makes me look skinny. My new glasses must be slimming.
So, essentially, my bum and chest are way to large to fit into any normal size clothing, but the face? So slender.

My new fishing for a compliment line...."excuse me, do you think this face makes me look fat?"

truly,
the recess bandit.