As my 34th birthday rapidly approaches, I am considering what it takes to be considered a successful adult in the eyes of the general public. A career, a family of your choice, a decent place to call your own.


None of these things apply to me.


I have been thinking about what it would take to rectify the situation. To purchase a dwelling. you kind of need money, which you kind of need to be working a lot to get. I have recently taken part in career assessment workshops, so it may still be a while for that to come about.

With that taken care of, I thought about getting hitched and what it would take to convince me that that is a good thing. The only way I would want to get married is for the First Dance together as a legally bound team to be of my liking. So far, I would consider getting married to dance to these songs:

1) The Marriage by Billy Bragg (lyrics)
2) Wishing the Days Away by Billy Bragg (lyrics)
3) Oh Sherry by Steve Perry, providing I marry someone named Sherry, which I would. (video), but one, or both of us, would HAVE to wear skin tight, high waisted jeans.

or.

i just marry the shoes I have fallen in love with:

Drink in the Magic.

till next time.

ever get that lazy "things are fantastic" feeling?

Eugene-the laziest genius in the world.

some of the best days are here.

i went to an amazing wedding.

i start my tumbling and trampoline class on tuesday.

i have some of the greatest friends ever.

i am making a film, for free.


lovely.

i am finally getting this morning thing down pat.

i am starting to feel so much better. eating well, resting, so accidentally straight edge it is kind of hilarious.

broken and brusied

is how i feel.


my heart is not healing.


i miss my friend so much and nobody wants to fucking listen to me anymore. so, i utilize this thing to expel it all.
i feel like i let him down, not that i could have prevented him from killing himself, this i know, but i was not there to let him know how much he meant to me, how he was one of my best friends, how he inspired me to become the person i am on the way to becoming, how fantastic and beautiful he was, how i was in platonic love with him from day one, how special he always made me feel. i just fucking miss him.



i am tired and going without sleep and all my energy is put into taking care of a baby.

things are bad, i cannot lie. i need someone to hear me, i have nothing left for being sounding boards for others.

i will not be talking to anyone for a while because i would just tell you to fuck off anyways.

everything seems so trivial right now.

mind boggling.

every now and again i think up some invention, or fantastic idea. usually, a few months to a year later, the idea/product that i thought of crops up somewhere. i had always just brushed it off as coincidence.


about a year ago, i had a vivid, apocalyptic dream about an imaginary house. the world was ending by means of the ocean crashing against it repetitively. i just happened to be at this odd shaped house, with a handful of my favorite filmmakers, when the storm hit. myself and the other party goers survived due to the structure of the house. i fell in love and saved the world....no, just kidding. i never dream romance themes.

as my dreams are often dramatic and genre oriented, the whole thing seemed unimportant.

but then i was on the Inhabitat site, which i visit everyday. i am trying so hard to describe this without sounding insane, or extremely dramatic, but when i clicked on today's post and scrolled down, it felt like my blood ran dry. one of the structures (see above photos) that is featured as a hurricane resistant house is the exact house from my dream.

I in no way want to take away from the importance and seriousness of the event, or the Inhabitat post, but it really freaked me out.


also.


everyone should check out their site often as it is so fantastic and then we can all be best friends and build sustainable container homes together.

the end.

baggy eyed and anti-social.

i have started in to the full time work. i haven't held a full time job for years. it is true.

i start work at 8 in the morning, which is insane.

slowly, i am reworking my schedule to fall asleep before 5 in the morning.

my sleep is restless though as i do most of my thinking at 2 or 3 in the morning. so, as a result, i am over thinking in my sleep.

i am working on an experimental film currently and have been participating in a wide range of fantastic workshops on hand processing and optically printing film.

twice now, i have woken up, standing in the middle of my room, with invisible film strips in my hands, hand processing and exposing with invisible chemicals and flashlights.

perhaps i ought to have a worktable beside my bed. maybe my sleep-film-making is brilliant.

till then,
e.

Internet Down

So, if i am especially slow at getting back top you, this is the way it is.

some things of special notice:

1) the "put your gay face on" spa day went over fantastically. i was amazed at the results and plan to make it a semi-regular occuring event, bringing it with me when i leave this town.

2) speaking of leaving this town, wouldn't you know i have met some new fabulous people. the conversation is always engaging. i was telling a friend about some of them , and one i described as "gets irate about the same stuff i do". i have been trying to convince some of them to move to vancouver. tifilis, you would like them.

3) i have also decided to maybe try to convince Indecisive to move out there as well. it is kinda a fantastic idea, would you say?

4) i found the perfect lake spot on sunday. a gaggle of us rode our bikes out to the lake because it was hilariously hot. how hot? well, piture this, at some point in the 45 minute uphill battle of a bike ride out there, i removed my shorts and biked in my swimming costume - or - underwear. for real. now, if by chance someone who does not know me is reading this, please understand that i am extremelly modest in my manner of dressing and have to struggle to have the top button on my polos undone. if the gap between top of collar and second button is more than 1/4', i attach a snap to correct the situation. so, the thought of me riding around town in my underwear is fantastically hilarious....especially because it was a thong.....no, just kidding. standard over sized black briefs perfect for the under cover ops i usually participate in.

so, my library time is running short, and this post is not.

i apologize for any speling mistakes as spell check is not on this public computer.

till next time,

bring your A game.

Welcome

to the new energy saver.


and.


Blackle is the new Google, except I cannot customize my homepage with them, so and I do not want to give up my pony.



yesterday was wicked awesome. fixing a dears bike, attending a b.b.q. with some quirks, then off to a Halloween in July party. I dressed as a beach party. Rode home very fast in funny, backless dress, hung out with cats and then chitty chatted on speaker phone, very reminiscent
of party lines i never got around to calling as a teen.

so tired today.

it is so hot in my apartment. i do not have a fan and do not want to purchase one as it will just be one more thing to deal with when i leave in Vanuary.

I haven't slept in days, not a full sleep anyways. Last night there was a disturbance on my street. My next door neighbor had his bag stolen and was shouting very loudly about how he was going to find the bastard and shoot his fucking head off, or something to that effect. He was under my window while shouting this.

I panicked, of course, who wouldn't being woken up to that.

His friends squealed their cars into the lane and their was a commotion as they conversed loudly about some guy with a gray mustache on Maitland who had a bag just like it so they were going to go "take care of him".

This event took up at least an hour between the initial shouting and the cars taking off. There have been three murders within five blocks of me within the past two(ish) weeks. I feel like shit today and I am wondering how the new mother across the street is feeling. I wonder if I should try to have a conversation with her, instead of the occasional nod.

When I moved to this street, I was so excited cause it seemed like such a lovely quiet street. A friend told me she lived on this street and more than once woke up to find blood all over the street. I realized last night that I had been to a party here once before, back in the drinking days. Someone I knew went across the street to a party, now my neighbors house. She was harassed while there. I, being the weirdo that I am, went to defend her/get her ought of trouble. I almost got beaten up.

I have a problem. When I get nervous I get lippy. Really lippy. I am like a tiny dog, except big, so it isn't really funny to the other person. It has almost gotten me shot at least three times, really shot, with guns cocked and what not. It kinda sucks and it needs to stop.

So, why the ramble? I am hoping that I learn from this. I feel like I am going over the edge somehow, feel like getting drunk, you know? But I have to remember the baggage and history the drinking causes me.

Shit, I even have history with the new mother across the street.

whoosh, i feel much better.

trb.

may i redirect your attention please....

i had a post all planned out that was full or humor and good cheer, but then read my sister's post and thought it more engaging.

trb.

flabergasted.

I just happened to catch the last hour of a movie entitled Black Girl. It was ridiculously mesmerizing and I want to see it again. I cannot find any copies anywhere online, and the IMDB's write up is lacking to say the least. The write up is here.

I am now on a mission to find a copy of this film. I did an internet search of the usual haunts here in town without any luck. If you ever see a copy of this movie, pick it up, watch it twice, then send it to me.


the dancing scenes are the best in the world.


trb.

i must say

one of the best ways to spend a stormy afternoon is chatting with a dear friend.

e.

happy pride gaywads.

yours,

living large,

the recess bandit.

Cathy Jones

told me that she likes my glasses.
I almost told her she was part of the reason I moved out here.

Instead, i giggled like a donkey and keep walking.

such a fantastic day.

i'm going to live FOREVER!!!!!!!

a small sample of the moles

at least according to this study.

a small excerpt:
"The results of this study are very exciting as they show for the first time that moley people, who have a slightly increased risk of melanoma, may, on the other hand, have the benefit of a reduced rate of aging," said lead researcher Dr. Veronique Bataille.


i am the most "moley" person i know.



and don't ask about the lip-stick.

when it rains

rainbows appear.

it would appear that all is syncing up for this kid. it is almost eerie how it is all fitting in together.

after a self-induced, short time-out, i have reconnected with some of the best folks in this town.

while kicking around on bertha, getting my errands done, and enjoying the sunshine, i ran into someone i admire quite a bit. we hung out all day and night and made plans for a dinner gathering at my place. the soup was so good, i almost cried.

we ended up in a very intense conversation, which lead to the dearest suggesting i volunteer at The Youth Project. i was kind of wishy-washy about the whole thing, but later decided it would be a good thing.

So, fast forward to today, had a coffee date with a different dearest, enjoying fantastic conversation once again, when the company i was keeping had to skedaddle down to...........The Youth Project?!?! I was invited along for the Artsy Fartsy day to decorate for the float in upcoming parade. It was ridiculously delightful, and i will now be co-facilitating the trans-youth meetings.

so many other things are falling into place as well.

i have been making plans for the camper van plan. i think now is the time as things are going so smoothly. good times.

trb.

my face

is killing me.


my entire body kind of hurts as i am going through withdrawal all over again.

i broke down and had drags of cigarettes the other night, and now i feel trancy.

i have began to enjoy the phone again as well.

long distance and close up.
gabby gabby gabby.

i want out so badly i feel shaky.

trying to get a photo show in vancouver, know anyone who wants my stuff?

trb.

ever so badly

i want to be in b.c. for queeruption. i may hitchhike out if i can find a willing enough kid to go with.

know anyone?


trb.

nickelback

is worse than i could have ever imagined.


wanna know how i know?


i worked the beer tent at the canada day celebration on citadell hill. i almost cried. i defiantly vomited in my mouth countless times, and my fingers are sore from opening approximately 900 beer cans in a few short (but so, so long) hours.

memorable quotes from the bands:
"there is some french dude talking to me on the radio. man, french is so fucking lame!"
"somebody's smoking some fucking pot. keep it burning dude, i love it!"
"you people in halifax can fucking drink like no others"
"next time, i promise to play naked"
and, my personal favorite,
"show us some love, and maybe if you show us enough, she(woman from crowd on big screen) may show us some love too, hahaha."

when i signed up for the job, i do not think i was thinking clearly.

the only thing that made it alright is the fantastic event i attended afterwards with the destiny's child cover band. sadly, the show was missed, but the party was so much fun. we even formed the gay alliance.

and there is a new radical thingy starting up which i have been invited to join.

now, i have to go wash the stink of nickelback, hedley and stained off of me.

trb.

Ruthie Take a Shower

I smell Like a Flower.

or, rather an alcohol steeped hippy.

a friend gave me the remnants of a spray on deodorizer that consists of sage and alcohol. the stuff is like a miracle.
i have decided to wane a touch on the "no products" rule as I drink a lot of coffee, ride a bicycle every where and forget to shower quite frequently. being in an teeny tiny editing suite with various folks at various times, i have decided to be nice and not be so stinky.

now, isn't that nice of me?