winking and huffing.

i have not slept for days. it sucks it hardcore to be blunt.

the thing is, i have started getting twitchy eyes. two twitches on one eye! geez louise this kid cannot catch a break these days!

the humor of the story:
i usually get caught doing absurd things, like walking around the grocery store with my eyes closed.

today i got carried away.

i accidentally winked at a newsbox today. when i realized i had done this, i stopped on the street and laughed aloud. the whole incident struck me as so funny, i winked at a dozen inanimate objects on the way home. i thought i was the funniest person in the world.

i think it is time for a nap.

For my nineteen birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Have you ever heard the song The River by Bruce Springsteen? Really listened to it, felt it, kinda lived it?

A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine made me listen to the song. It was mid-afternoon. Late-summer sun-shiny kind of day on the East Coast. We were parked outside of my place in her 80's boat of a car that was falling apart, you had to hold the door closed on sharp turns. The stereo was so crappy. She was wearing a pattern dress and i had on levis jeans and a short sleeve snap shirt. We smoked a cigarette. I sat quietly listening, gazing out of the windscreen, getting carried away.

When I think back on this, I can only describe it as if we were in the song. We were the teens in love, going through hard times. There was an intimacy between us for that five minutes that I have not felt with anyone before, nor have I felt it since. I was friends with this person, but there was never any physical intimacy to it.

I have never felt so effected by a song before, apart from being a stoned teenager of course.


Why the divergence into my sappy Springsteen memories? The other day, during a workshop I was attending, I had to listen to some douchebag degrade my dear memories of Springsteen.

He was talking about going to the concert in Toronto. Some quotes:

"My buddy and I are going to grab a broad each to take with us."
"the place is full of fat chicks who dress like it is 1987"

gag.

Of course I did not say anything, it did not feel like it was a safe space for me. We were slotted to spend two days in a tiny room together.

So, I am reclaiming the song again.

I have been sitting in sunny windows with my big comfy headphones on and listening to The River on repeat, imagining i am driving around with the windows down.


I have no idea when I got so Moonie-like.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.SPOCK!!!!!

oh. my. word.

i am so effing excited, i feel like i have to pee all the time.

check it:

That ol' choking feeling.

My brain hurts so much tonite. I spent the day re-learning and learning new skills on the Avid system. The constant switch from film to video is exhausting, but I am so happy to be learning from a pro and not trying to teach myself at two in the morning with nothing but the internet and a free Avid version.

The training was amazing, albeit slightly distracting. I would not suggest trying to learn anything important from someone you find attractive. It is way to distracting. I kinda got all stuttery and and squirrelly every half hour. I am guessing the lack of sleep was not helpful either.

Film Updates:
I completly bailed on the tinfoil letters. They were making me want to cut my teeth out with the scissors, so I stopped. I spent two-ish days looking for a lettering system, and explaining madly to anyone who would listen what they looked like, asking where to get them. I found hem and bought a huge bag of almonds to celebrate. The opening title is pictured above. The sign is my new inanimate crush.

Another proud moment, I totally got off my procrastinating back end and hand processed my film. I now have the negative, which I shall turn into a positive in the coming days. I ran it through the Steenbeck the first time and walked out of the room. I hated it. Truly despised it.

Watched it again, still don't really like it, but I cannot care anymore. What is done is done. I learned enough from making the film that that the end result is somewhat insignificant.

Such proud accomplishments, socializing again, obtaining goals, teaching workshops, using public washrooms. I am a wreck. The panic has moved into my throat.

I thought I had this thing licked, no more panic attacks, able to move about freely. What to do....through my self into the fire and hope like fuck I make it.

I am going out to dinner with a friend to talk gender politics, continuing to breath, and smoking cigarettes.

it i since to know when i am about to crack and try to do something about it. life is lovely.