broken and brusied

is how i feel.


my heart is not healing.


i miss my friend so much and nobody wants to fucking listen to me anymore. so, i utilize this thing to expel it all.
i feel like i let him down, not that i could have prevented him from killing himself, this i know, but i was not there to let him know how much he meant to me, how he was one of my best friends, how he inspired me to become the person i am on the way to becoming, how fantastic and beautiful he was, how i was in platonic love with him from day one, how special he always made me feel. i just fucking miss him.



i am tired and going without sleep and all my energy is put into taking care of a baby.

things are bad, i cannot lie. i need someone to hear me, i have nothing left for being sounding boards for others.

i will not be talking to anyone for a while because i would just tell you to fuck off anyways.

everything seems so trivial right now.

mind boggling.

every now and again i think up some invention, or fantastic idea. usually, a few months to a year later, the idea/product that i thought of crops up somewhere. i had always just brushed it off as coincidence.


about a year ago, i had a vivid, apocalyptic dream about an imaginary house. the world was ending by means of the ocean crashing against it repetitively. i just happened to be at this odd shaped house, with a handful of my favorite filmmakers, when the storm hit. myself and the other party goers survived due to the structure of the house. i fell in love and saved the world....no, just kidding. i never dream romance themes.

as my dreams are often dramatic and genre oriented, the whole thing seemed unimportant.

but then i was on the Inhabitat site, which i visit everyday. i am trying so hard to describe this without sounding insane, or extremely dramatic, but when i clicked on today's post and scrolled down, it felt like my blood ran dry. one of the structures (see above photos) that is featured as a hurricane resistant house is the exact house from my dream.

I in no way want to take away from the importance and seriousness of the event, or the Inhabitat post, but it really freaked me out.


also.


everyone should check out their site often as it is so fantastic and then we can all be best friends and build sustainable container homes together.

the end.

baggy eyed and anti-social.

i have started in to the full time work. i haven't held a full time job for years. it is true.

i start work at 8 in the morning, which is insane.

slowly, i am reworking my schedule to fall asleep before 5 in the morning.

my sleep is restless though as i do most of my thinking at 2 or 3 in the morning. so, as a result, i am over thinking in my sleep.

i am working on an experimental film currently and have been participating in a wide range of fantastic workshops on hand processing and optically printing film.

twice now, i have woken up, standing in the middle of my room, with invisible film strips in my hands, hand processing and exposing with invisible chemicals and flashlights.

perhaps i ought to have a worktable beside my bed. maybe my sleep-film-making is brilliant.

till then,
e.

Internet Down

So, if i am especially slow at getting back top you, this is the way it is.

some things of special notice:

1) the "put your gay face on" spa day went over fantastically. i was amazed at the results and plan to make it a semi-regular occuring event, bringing it with me when i leave this town.

2) speaking of leaving this town, wouldn't you know i have met some new fabulous people. the conversation is always engaging. i was telling a friend about some of them , and one i described as "gets irate about the same stuff i do". i have been trying to convince some of them to move to vancouver. tifilis, you would like them.

3) i have also decided to maybe try to convince Indecisive to move out there as well. it is kinda a fantastic idea, would you say?

4) i found the perfect lake spot on sunday. a gaggle of us rode our bikes out to the lake because it was hilariously hot. how hot? well, piture this, at some point in the 45 minute uphill battle of a bike ride out there, i removed my shorts and biked in my swimming costume - or - underwear. for real. now, if by chance someone who does not know me is reading this, please understand that i am extremelly modest in my manner of dressing and have to struggle to have the top button on my polos undone. if the gap between top of collar and second button is more than 1/4', i attach a snap to correct the situation. so, the thought of me riding around town in my underwear is fantastically hilarious....especially because it was a thong.....no, just kidding. standard over sized black briefs perfect for the under cover ops i usually participate in.

so, my library time is running short, and this post is not.

i apologize for any speling mistakes as spell check is not on this public computer.

till next time,

bring your A game.