winking and huffing.

i have not slept for days. it sucks it hardcore to be blunt.

the thing is, i have started getting twitchy eyes. two twitches on one eye! geez louise this kid cannot catch a break these days!

the humor of the story:
i usually get caught doing absurd things, like walking around the grocery store with my eyes closed.

today i got carried away.

i accidentally winked at a newsbox today. when i realized i had done this, i stopped on the street and laughed aloud. the whole incident struck me as so funny, i winked at a dozen inanimate objects on the way home. i thought i was the funniest person in the world.

i think it is time for a nap.

For my nineteen birthday I got a union card and a wedding coat

Have you ever heard the song The River by Bruce Springsteen? Really listened to it, felt it, kinda lived it?

A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine made me listen to the song. It was mid-afternoon. Late-summer sun-shiny kind of day on the East Coast. We were parked outside of my place in her 80's boat of a car that was falling apart, you had to hold the door closed on sharp turns. The stereo was so crappy. She was wearing a pattern dress and i had on levis jeans and a short sleeve snap shirt. We smoked a cigarette. I sat quietly listening, gazing out of the windscreen, getting carried away.

When I think back on this, I can only describe it as if we were in the song. We were the teens in love, going through hard times. There was an intimacy between us for that five minutes that I have not felt with anyone before, nor have I felt it since. I was friends with this person, but there was never any physical intimacy to it.

I have never felt so effected by a song before, apart from being a stoned teenager of course.


Why the divergence into my sappy Springsteen memories? The other day, during a workshop I was attending, I had to listen to some douchebag degrade my dear memories of Springsteen.

He was talking about going to the concert in Toronto. Some quotes:

"My buddy and I are going to grab a broad each to take with us."
"the place is full of fat chicks who dress like it is 1987"

gag.

Of course I did not say anything, it did not feel like it was a safe space for me. We were slotted to spend two days in a tiny room together.

So, I am reclaiming the song again.

I have been sitting in sunny windows with my big comfy headphones on and listening to The River on repeat, imagining i am driving around with the windows down.


I have no idea when I got so Moonie-like.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.SPOCK!!!!!

oh. my. word.

i am so effing excited, i feel like i have to pee all the time.

check it:

That ol' choking feeling.

My brain hurts so much tonite. I spent the day re-learning and learning new skills on the Avid system. The constant switch from film to video is exhausting, but I am so happy to be learning from a pro and not trying to teach myself at two in the morning with nothing but the internet and a free Avid version.

The training was amazing, albeit slightly distracting. I would not suggest trying to learn anything important from someone you find attractive. It is way to distracting. I kinda got all stuttery and and squirrelly every half hour. I am guessing the lack of sleep was not helpful either.

Film Updates:
I completly bailed on the tinfoil letters. They were making me want to cut my teeth out with the scissors, so I stopped. I spent two-ish days looking for a lettering system, and explaining madly to anyone who would listen what they looked like, asking where to get them. I found hem and bought a huge bag of almonds to celebrate. The opening title is pictured above. The sign is my new inanimate crush.

Another proud moment, I totally got off my procrastinating back end and hand processed my film. I now have the negative, which I shall turn into a positive in the coming days. I ran it through the Steenbeck the first time and walked out of the room. I hated it. Truly despised it.

Watched it again, still don't really like it, but I cannot care anymore. What is done is done. I learned enough from making the film that that the end result is somewhat insignificant.

Such proud accomplishments, socializing again, obtaining goals, teaching workshops, using public washrooms. I am a wreck. The panic has moved into my throat.

I thought I had this thing licked, no more panic attacks, able to move about freely. What to do....through my self into the fire and hope like fuck I make it.

I am going out to dinner with a friend to talk gender politics, continuing to breath, and smoking cigarettes.

it i since to know when i am about to crack and try to do something about it. life is lovely.

dragging my heels, then turning them.

i am procrastinating. i should not be, i have way too much work to do, but my body feels shut down.

i procrastinated so much earlier, i taught myself how to knit socks! it is true. they are pictured above. at least it was productive, now i just stare into space, feeling on the edge of an overwhelming panic attack.

i am just a few days away from finishing my film. i think i am going to call it ReGen. but maybe not. i have to see it first, but i also have to shot the title cards before processing and contact printing. such a catch, having to name the film before seeing it.

i am nervous about finishing the film, what if i hate it? i have spend so much time and energy on this thing.


a rough estimate? 70 hours so far, of physically working on the film. countless hours worrying, sleep working, and fretting over details that nobody will notice.

i still have about 30 hours left of physical work.

the film is 1 min 13 seconds.

my guts hurt.

well, i have to go cut out letters from tinfoil for my credits. i am amazed how hard it is to cut tinfoil letters. i may just break and by some letters from somewhere.

nameless.

lets' see if we can get this party started again.

some things noteworthy.

things have been going so well lately. I am facilitating FAB (film-making for absolute beginners) as well as one of three instructors. It is a youth outreach program. I set up workshops with youths to make a Super8 film. I am getting paid to teach film.....uhm, i am getting paid to teach film classes. so bizarre. so exciting, seeing as i am a college dropout and all.

i also taught an animation workshop. whose got mad skillz?!?!?!

i am also making a film right now. it is almost done. i have to keep telling myself that...i am almost done.....
i have learned so much with this film. did i mention it is hand made? meaning i have hand processed, hand scratched sound, even doing contact print on steenbeck.

it is all very exciting.

i also started washing my sinus'.

till then,

trb.

..................................

happy days to me.

trb.

As my 34th birthday rapidly approaches, I am considering what it takes to be considered a successful adult in the eyes of the general public. A career, a family of your choice, a decent place to call your own.


None of these things apply to me.


I have been thinking about what it would take to rectify the situation. To purchase a dwelling. you kind of need money, which you kind of need to be working a lot to get. I have recently taken part in career assessment workshops, so it may still be a while for that to come about.

With that taken care of, I thought about getting hitched and what it would take to convince me that that is a good thing. The only way I would want to get married is for the First Dance together as a legally bound team to be of my liking. So far, I would consider getting married to dance to these songs:

1) The Marriage by Billy Bragg (lyrics)
2) Wishing the Days Away by Billy Bragg (lyrics)
3) Oh Sherry by Steve Perry, providing I marry someone named Sherry, which I would. (video), but one, or both of us, would HAVE to wear skin tight, high waisted jeans.

or.

i just marry the shoes I have fallen in love with:

Drink in the Magic.

till next time.

ever get that lazy "things are fantastic" feeling?

Eugene-the laziest genius in the world.

some of the best days are here.

i went to an amazing wedding.

i start my tumbling and trampoline class on tuesday.

i have some of the greatest friends ever.

i am making a film, for free.


lovely.

i am finally getting this morning thing down pat.

i am starting to feel so much better. eating well, resting, so accidentally straight edge it is kind of hilarious.

broken and brusied

is how i feel.


my heart is not healing.


i miss my friend so much and nobody wants to fucking listen to me anymore. so, i utilize this thing to expel it all.
i feel like i let him down, not that i could have prevented him from killing himself, this i know, but i was not there to let him know how much he meant to me, how he was one of my best friends, how he inspired me to become the person i am on the way to becoming, how fantastic and beautiful he was, how i was in platonic love with him from day one, how special he always made me feel. i just fucking miss him.



i am tired and going without sleep and all my energy is put into taking care of a baby.

things are bad, i cannot lie. i need someone to hear me, i have nothing left for being sounding boards for others.

i will not be talking to anyone for a while because i would just tell you to fuck off anyways.

everything seems so trivial right now.

mind boggling.

every now and again i think up some invention, or fantastic idea. usually, a few months to a year later, the idea/product that i thought of crops up somewhere. i had always just brushed it off as coincidence.


about a year ago, i had a vivid, apocalyptic dream about an imaginary house. the world was ending by means of the ocean crashing against it repetitively. i just happened to be at this odd shaped house, with a handful of my favorite filmmakers, when the storm hit. myself and the other party goers survived due to the structure of the house. i fell in love and saved the world....no, just kidding. i never dream romance themes.

as my dreams are often dramatic and genre oriented, the whole thing seemed unimportant.

but then i was on the Inhabitat site, which i visit everyday. i am trying so hard to describe this without sounding insane, or extremely dramatic, but when i clicked on today's post and scrolled down, it felt like my blood ran dry. one of the structures (see above photos) that is featured as a hurricane resistant house is the exact house from my dream.

I in no way want to take away from the importance and seriousness of the event, or the Inhabitat post, but it really freaked me out.


also.


everyone should check out their site often as it is so fantastic and then we can all be best friends and build sustainable container homes together.

the end.

baggy eyed and anti-social.

i have started in to the full time work. i haven't held a full time job for years. it is true.

i start work at 8 in the morning, which is insane.

slowly, i am reworking my schedule to fall asleep before 5 in the morning.

my sleep is restless though as i do most of my thinking at 2 or 3 in the morning. so, as a result, i am over thinking in my sleep.

i am working on an experimental film currently and have been participating in a wide range of fantastic workshops on hand processing and optically printing film.

twice now, i have woken up, standing in the middle of my room, with invisible film strips in my hands, hand processing and exposing with invisible chemicals and flashlights.

perhaps i ought to have a worktable beside my bed. maybe my sleep-film-making is brilliant.

till then,
e.